Apple, Peaches, Pumkin Pie…Whose Not Ready Holler I

All We Need Is A Can

Remember when you could get together with five or ten of your childhood friends, who all lived in the same neighborhood, and play kick the can? Since everyone ate canned food, especially spinach, empty cans were always available. The game was simple. You place the can on a flat surface; the grass, a flat stone surface, the sidewalk or where ever you had a clear path to the can.  Everyone would hide except one person.( kind of like hide and seek). The lone looker would try to find those that were hiding but always keeping the can in sight. When someone would break from their hiding place the goal of that person would be to run as fast as they could and get to the can and kick it before the lone looker could tag them with his or her hand. If the can was kicked, the lone looker would have to hide and the successful can kicker would take their place. And on it was played. Kind of like Worlds of Warcraft without the game console, computer, internet connection, mouse for PC play and the cost of playing on line. Other than that….it was about the same.

Call Of Duty ( kind of )

Playing Cowboys and Indians was a popular non-contact sport for many of us in those days of black and white TV. Because we never had enough money to buy toy guns or bows and arrows, we made our weapons out of wood or just held a stick and pretended it was a rifle. The real problem was that every body wanted to be a cowboy since we all knew from watching all the black and white westerns that the Indians always lost. Of course that issue became more complicated when the Lone Ranger came onto the scene. Having an Indian side kick named Tonto didn’t help our situation. Still, those playing the cowboys always ended up wining the battle…sorry Tonto.

Superman Where Are You Now

Interesting that we all read comic books back in the day ( while the earth’s crust was still cooling ) and never really connected with all the super hero’s that now exist in every aspect of the media. But we did have the man of steel, Superman.  After all, there was nothing he couldn’t do. Fly faster than the speed of sound, more powerful than a locomotive ( that really isn’t that powerful in the scheme of things today), able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Look, up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, no it’s Superman. I never thought about this then, but if he could fly faster than the speed of sound why would he have to leap at all?  And how difficult was it really to distinguish a bird from a plane?  But he was our hero.

Herbivorous Boys

Don’t pass up the grass

Herbivores; frugal, celibate, walkers and grazers. The Herbivorous boys of Japan are grass-eating men who shun sex, don’t spend money and like taking walks. At first blush one would think these young men are gay…but that is not the case. Although I could see how difficult it would be to attract someone of the opposite sex if your first date included being pulled in a red wagon down to the pasture and munching on grass. I am all for side-stepping this fast paced crazy world once in a while, but riding in a red wagon just doesn’t do it for me.

The Japanese are somewhat concerned as this obsession is spreading rapidly throughout the entire country and this phenomenon brings with it two major challenges. First, there are not enough births to make up for the death rate in Japan and secondly, young men not buying any iPods, smart phones or cars tends to stall an already anemic economic engine. So no sex and no driving by the male population of a country can lead to its demise….  Although walking and riding in wagons does make for a cleaner planet.

Fat people weigh on my mind

On the opposite end of the spectrum we have the ever growing ( and I mean this literally) weight problem with the younger generation.  The lack of overall exercise, other than the use of their opposing thumbs for texting, is one of the major reasons for this life-shortening epidemic. Why go out and play on some dirty ground and get hot and sweaty when you can plug into your Xbox, Play Station or Kinnect game and play in any world anywhere with anyone you want to. No sweat, no dirt, no effort…unless you are playing Wii Sports…and nobody plays that anymore.

The other reason for the major weight gain in young children is the quantity and quality of the food they shove into their mouths. This is mostly due to fast food establishments that are frequented by this excess adipose group. I used to think fast food meant get in get out fast. Well is still does but the other part of fast food is the speed in which the humongous amounts of fat calories enlarge your entire body. I am concerned….mostly because I need this younger generation to stay alive long enough to pay into the Social Security system so I keep getting my checks.

If this is Heaven call my insurance company

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in Heaven. They are all asked, “When your are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” The first man says, “I would like hear them say I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.” The second man says, “I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.” The third man replies, ” I would like to hear them say…..Look, He’s Moving!”

White Kids Without iPads


Where is the Charity?

Watching some of those commercials on TV about children living in poverty or some war torn third world nation pulls at your heart strings. These charitable foundations that produce the commercials are counting on that “emotional” tug to get you to write that check to help out those less fortunate than you. And it doesn’t have to be for children. Animals, specifically dogs and cats that are abused, mistreated or left in shelters where you know they will eventually be euthanized, can evoke gut wrenching emotions from the billions of animal lovers. But in my mind nothing compares to the plight of…  White Kids Without iPads.

You see it on every playground, in the malls, in the libraries, in the classrooms on the bus and subway and riding in the back of the family van. Kids with that far away blank look. Holding onto some ancient relic of a cell phone that perhaps only ( wait for it ) sends and receives phone calls…no text. Yes, I know. Brutal, sadistic and some would call it inhuman…those poor white kids without an iPad. It boggles the mind. Where are their parents?  Where is their dual core processor heart?

Till death do us part

Remember when men and women of all ages would walk hand-in-hand everywhere they went. You just don’t see that happening as much anymore and for good reason. It is difficult to hold hands while holding your iPhone or Android smart phone and texting or using the latest App. Sure your partner may inadvertently grab for your free hand but that urge to keep it available for the next Facebook post, or to respond to a tweet or watch your friends cat do something funny on YouTube, is always there. It is almost palpable. And besides, sometimes you need the other hand to hold your iPad.

I recently wrote a blog that asked the question, “Would you exist if there were no Facebook or Twitter or the other social media forums or if you had no hand held digital devices like smart phones or tablets?” The responses were astonishing. One would have thought I asked them if they wanted to be locked up in prison for the rest of their lives. Is it possible we have become so attached to these “instant messaging” machines that any type of human contact is no longer necessary? Is there an App for that?

Ask me no questions I’ll tell you no lies

Siri is the latest addition to the iPhone 4S. Push the microphone icon on the bottom of the iPhone and ask it anything….I mean anything and it will either provide you with an answer or give you an appropriate response.  Google (Android) is working on their version and it will be available soon. Of course, this new feature eliminates using your fingers to type in a search term on the best available browser app on your iPhone. It also means you can now have one hand free to do anything you want….even hold hands with your phone mate.

Into The Leaden Sky


It’s not the heat, its the inhumanity

What’s say you?  Do you care about your fellow man or woman? Do you watch the killing of innocent people trying to change their ruthless governments genocidal ambitions on your  TV and wonder….”why don’t those people just revolt and take over their government or call the national guard or send a letter to Oprah and …hey how come my iPhone isn’t working again?”  Is this you? Why don’t more people get up and go over to those countries to try to help their fellow man?

Do you have any of the photos of young children with blood on their clothes standing next to dead children in the street on Pinterest…the latest and greatest social media toy? Do you? Why not? Don’t you want to share the truth along with the fiction? Maybe you could post some of those photos on Facebook or Google + and get your friends to “like” them. If these people who are suffering are not our brothers and sisters… then who are they?

 Malice through the looking glass

As a scuba diver one gets used to the fact that when wearing a dive mask underwater objects appear closer than they really are. It’s not unusual to grab for the ladder that is suspended down into the water from the back of the dive boat to pull yourself up only to find you missed it by four inches. You have to adjust for that. Sometimes when I am watching the political debates on TV I get the impression I am still wearing my dive mask.

We all know that the process of politics is ugly, deals mostly in half-truths and deception. Yet we continue to grab for the truth when in fact it is not in reach. Why do we believe ( or even consider the rhetoric ) that is stated during these debates? Certainly we have the tools to vet all the statements that are made by the politicos. Do we see only what we want to see? Do we hear only what we want to hear?  Are you wearing your dive mask when you watch these creatures?

Ben Dover

Of all the “isms” in the world cynicism may be the most prolific. Cynicism refers to the beliefs of an ancient school of Greek philosophers known as Cynics. They believed that the world belonged equally to everyone, and that suffering was caused by false judgments of what was valuable and by the worthless customs and conventions which surrounded society. Do you believe everyone has an equal share in the world? Or do you believe in I’ve got mine now you get yours?

Parents often find that getting their 2 and 3 year old’s to share is the most challenging issue. Even before reason sets in we are geared toward collection rather than acceptance. So if sharing is a learned trait, then one must be a cynic to perpetuate that process. Right?  Somehow in your mind that premise probably seems counter intuitive. Maybe we just don’t have the ability to grasp the obvious.



All The Way Inn

What’s In A Name

When I was about five years old my Father and Mother were considering getting into the Motel business. This would have been in the very early 50’s so the timing would have been perfect. The new interstate highway system was being built and people were traveling everywhere by car. Unfortunately they never pursued this idea. Too bad, because my father was a good businessman and we would probably have had a chain of Motels slung across the U.S. by now.

At any rate I always thought that if I were to build a Motel or Hotel it would be great to use the name, “All The Way Inn.”  I think the name would stick and people would laugh or give that look of condemnation as they passed the billboards on the highway with the name  printed in big letters…and maybe even a logo. Hmm..I wonder what that would look like?

The Quo With the Quay With the Quivey

I am a big Jerry Lewis fan. I know, many of you probably thought he is more of a slap stick comedian but I always liked his goofy humor. When he did the Tonight show, many years ago when there were just three Networks and Fox was a kid, Jerry had developed this 10 part mnemonic phrasing that he challenged his guests to repeat by hearing it only one time. For some reason I was fascinated by this.  Of course, I am also fascinated at the food dance my Chihuahua does every time I give him a treat. But that is another story.

At any rate, my point is you just don’t see that kind of smart word play anymore when someone is being interviewed on set. I thought I would see more smart word interplay when the politicians started debating each other this year.  But that hasn’t materialized yet…and I don’t expect it to either. Jerry’s mnemonic may be strange but it makes more sense than some of the stuff coming over air waves these days.

My Aphrodisiac Has A First Name

They say imitation is the kindest form of flattery. I thought using a “take off” of the popular Oscar Meyer bologna song for another product would be funny and catchy. The more unusual the product the more clever you can become in penning the words to your new jingle. The possibilities are endless….and you can record it at home and put it on YouTube. It’s kind of the same way Weird Al Yankovic translates new verbiage into iconic tunes.

Come on…you can do it.

Glutton Free


Glutton For Gluten

On the days when I’m not writing blogs or working on social media applications for my clients or myself, I work with a local non-profit organization that is centered around sustainability. 8 months ago our organization sponsored a group of local business people who wanted to start a Farmer’s Market to help promote healthy food sources as well as support the local small businesses and the community at large. We started with 10 vendors last November. Today we have 48 vendors. Our markets are on Thursdays….this past one had over 4,000 shoppers, of all shapes and sizes.

Many of the market vendors sell gluten free bakery products, or sugar free, or products with all natural ingredients, and of course the ever popular all organic produce.  A large number the people in our area ( a fairly senior market, many retirees) do have some dietary considerations and they make healthy decisions regarding their purchases. However, there are a large number of these same people that purchase kettle corn, olives and olive oil, breads and pastry right along with their gluten free products.  It’s nothing to see a fat hand attached to an even fatter body reach for a piece of French pastry…two pieces sometimes…or some Italian Cannoli’s….I think next week we are adding a low fat beef jerky vendor.

Fat, Fat The Water Rat

Kids can be cruel. If you are fat and can’ t run very fast you are dead meat in the eyes of the lean and mean pre-teens. When I was younger ( when Conestoga Wagons could only go 10 miles per hour) we had a number of unkind sayings for kids that were fat. Things like…”Hey Howey ( there was always a kid named Howey in our neighborhood) I know how we can get you to lose some weight…we’ll pay the ice cream man to keep on driving.” Stupid stuff like that.

Before you condemn me for being so thoughtless you need to understand something about that time of my life. In those days we played outside from sun up to sun down. We only went back into the house  long enough to eat and lie to our mothers as to where we had been and what we were doing. Very few…and I mean very few kids were fat. In a group of 100 boys and girls maybe 4 were over weight with only one being a tub of lard (another favorite fat expression). So yeah! If we saw a fat kid we figured we owed it to him to hound the crap out of him  about his weight until he looked like us…we were benevolent weight watchers.

I Scream You Scream We All Scream For Ice Cream

Cream..the main ingredient in real Ice Cream. Actually real good, fattening, blow your cholesterol all to hell ice cream was just cold cream. Forget the ice part. Now it’s low fat, no fat, less fat, no sugar, ice milk ( what the hell is that?), no taste gelled liquid in a box or plastic container now available at your friendly food store. The really good stuff is only available on the black market. Let us bow our heads…..

Embraceable Ewe

Love on the lamb

I think we all remember the first time we made  love to that special person. Anxiety mixed with excitement…and anticipation of what you hoped would be a wonderful experience for both of you. I was telling one of my friends just the other day that I remembered my first experience like it was yesterday. He asked me if I would tell him about it and I told him sure. So here it is.

The hills outside the town we lived in overlooked a small lake. My date had expressed an interest one evening  in climbing one of the hills and meandering through the tall grass. The sky was perfectly clear, the stars were out and the moon was almost full. Her shadow cast upon the ground posed a perfect image of her body. You could tell it was going to be one of those special nights.

The tall grass made a perfect bed. The warm air of the evening  passed over our bodies and added to the moment. I knew this was not her first time.. but it was mine. I only hoped she wouldn’t notice my novice approach.  It didn’t last long but it was sweet. We sat there for a while looking into each others eyes after it was over and then I heard a noise coming from behind me. It was her father…walking slowly up the hill with that look in his eyes that told me he saw everything.

My friends eyes were wide open along with his mouth…”What happened…did he say anything?”  I looked at my friend with a shameful look on my face and said..”Yes..he walked right up to me and said…..BAAAAA.”

My friend had this incredulous look on his face..and then I said…….”Gotcha!” He started to laugh, “Man, you had me going there for a second.”  I looked at him and then replied.  “It’s  funny to see the expression on peoples faces…like yours. I can imagine people visualizing the event. But that  would never happen to me  in my life time…and besides, wool makes me itch.”

 Just one black sheep

Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives.One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary’s the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the “main course” at dinner that night.”Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief,” says the Missionary. “You’re jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field… and how there’s one black one amongst them?”

The Chief thinks for a moment. “OK!” says the Chief, “You say nothing, I say nothing.”

Let’s Do The Time Warp Again

Can you do this at weddings?

It’s just a jump to the left

And then a step to the right

With your hands on your hips

You bring your knees in tight

But its the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane

Let’s do the time warp again

Can we really bend and fold time?…and who is Dr. Frank -in- Furter?

In 1975 the movie Rocky Horror Picture Show was released. It became an instant “cult” success and launched the careers of three actors and a number of ridiculously strange songs for the time. Well maybe not that ridiculous…but they were cool. “Let’s Do The Time Warp Again” was one of them and to this day is often used in commercials and musical parodies.

One of Einstein’s theories is that time and space form a continuum which bends and folds or warps. This theory is often used in science fiction as it has yet to be proven true.  Although if you could bend time and space you could alter the information about anything  just at the time it is about to be released. Basically, you could keep the truth from coming out about an even even though the event actually happened. So were the events in the  movie Rocky Horror Picture Show true but were altered to project the events in a whimsical, ridiculous manner so we wouldn’t believe it?

Fold on the dotted line.

So if we can fold,  bend or warp space and time where and how do we do this? Maybe, like the spongy pickle looking creatures in Dune, we will have to eat tons of the spice “melange” which would allow us to bend and fold space to get from say earth to the farthest galaxy billions of light years away in less time than it takes to turn on a light. But Einstein didn’t mention any spices in his theory and even if he did my guess is that information was also altered. Perplexing isn’t it.

It is interesting that most of the information on the subject of time warp and the space time continuum is provided to the public at large through movies like RHPS, Dune, Star Trek, Star Wars. I even think it is pushed to our children on Sesame Street, especially on those days when the letter of the day is T. Even the recent movie Inception has some sprinkling of this concept. Think about it.

It’s like Deja Vu all over again.

Yogi Bera, the great Yankee catcher, was credited with coining this phrase. At first I thought all of Yogi’s whimsical sayings were due to his not wearing a catcher’s mask during his early career in baseball. But on many occasions I have walked into a room, building, park, etc. for the first time only to say….”hey, I think I’ve been here before.” Tell me that hasn’t happened to you?

So maybe, just maybe Yogi was talking about the space time continuum. And maybe Yogi and Einstein were the same person…only at different times in the space fold…..spice anyone?

Let’s do the time warp again…….


Paging Mr. & Mrs. Bates And Their Son Master Bates


When pictures just won’t tell the story

There is an old saying that “pictures are worth 1,000 words.”  Well, sometimes that is true but other times nothing makes your point better than using text or in the case of this blog title, using a microphone.

I was in New York City a number of years ago for a technical conference. I was staying at one of the older, well known Hotels located in Manhattan. You know the type, old world architecture with all the old world charm. All the employees were in uniform and everything was prim and proper as they say. I was standing next to the front desk getting ready to check in when one of the employees behind the desk was handed a piece of paper by one of the Hotel guests. Obviously they were trying to locate the Bates family to meet up with them. The employee grabbed the phone paging system and blurted out the above referenced title of this blog. It was prim and proper. Also extremely funny. To this day I don’t believe that employee ever thought twice about what they said.

Our coffee urns high praise

Coffee is my fix. Yes, without the jolt of caffeine in my system first thing in the morning, I just feel….unwired. I use a Keurig single shot coffee maker, along with a standard drip coffee maker. The Keurig now has hundreds of K cup coffee, tea, hot chocolate and other drink specialties available every where. I look at the K cups kind of like Apps for your cell phone…there is a new one out almost every day.

The Keurig gives me the option of making a single small, medium or large cup of coffee or tea with the press of one button. Hot chocolate or iced coffee or tea are also an option. One machine…multiple caffeine hits. Even Juan Valdez and his Burro would like this machine.

Kiss me buck teeth my tonsils itch

I was born in Buffalo, NY sometime just after the earth’s crust stopped cooling. Most of my friends were of ethnic backgrounds like myself…an interesting mix of Italians, Irish, Germans and some Greeks ( although I’m not sure how the Greeks got thrown into the mix). At any rate, all of my friends families came from the “old country”  and brought some of the weirdest sayings with them. In addition, we developed a number of really stupid sayings ourselves. The title of this section is one of them. In those days many people didn’t go to the dentist unless their teeth were falling out. Some of our neighbors kids had a slight problem with buck teeth…hence the saying.

In those days few families owned cars. We lived above my Grandparents in a two story home. My Grandfather owned a car which his son, my Dad, could borrow on occasion. As a result we rode the bus a lot. My friends and I would take the bus to a movie theater that was about 3 miles from my home. In those days you would yell out to the bus driver where you wanted to get off the bus. One of my friends thought he would be smart and yelled out…”Hey bus driver….stop the bus and let my brother Jack off”.  My friend did not have a brother named Jack but we did all get off the bus. Nobody had a sense of humor then either!




Dance Like No One Is Watching


What is it you do in your house, office or special place that no one ever sees you do? Do you have discussions with that imaginary friend? Do you dance or sing to music, pretending to be on a stage in front of a crowd? Do you practice some satanic ritual or stick pins in voodoo dolls hoping to eliminate some certain individuals from the planet? Or do you have those ” man I should have said this” dialogues with the mirror in your room? You are not alone.

I should write this stuff down

I try to walk on the beach every morning…early just before the sun comes up. It is very cathartic and also helps me clear my head. Some of my best ideas and conversations take place between me and the sand crab digging a new hole in the sand. It is amazing how clear and brilliant your conversations can be when there is no one there to respond or comment. The free flowing thoughts and ideas seem to meld together forming a stream of words that you are convinced will carry your idea to anyone and everyone who listens to you. Then, right after you finish the one-way conversation, you immediately forget some of the things you said two minutes ago.. thinking…”man I should write this stuff down,”….and the sand crab you’ve been talking to is now completely down in its new hole.

Young and old alike

There are two times in your life when your silly or quasi-embarrassing  actions are considered acceptable ( at least to some ). First  when you are a baby and second when you are a senior ( well-aged senior ). Dancing type movements, no matter how bizarre, by young children is humorous and often encouraged by parents and friends….and the crazier the better. The children see the response from their peers and continue the goofy movements as they love the recognition. Videos are taken with the promise to embarrass you in front of your friends when you get older.

As a senior citizen ( is there a junior citizen?) you are allowed to make an exhibition of yourself at weddings and family functions. This includes trying to dance to the current music beats using 1940’s dance steps or attempting to sing a song from your past that no one recognizes or can’t recognize because you are singing out of tune. Videos are taken with the promise to only show these to immediate family members and/or no one.

Free your mind and your ass will follow

If you have ever been a fan of SNL or Second City, then doing impromptu comedy skits from just a word or phrase is the thing for you. Years ago when I was in high school I had a friend who shared my warped sense of humor and who also had no shame when it came to making up stupid stuff on the fly. We would sit in his basement on chairs pretending we were driving a police car and created really stupid, funny dialogue to fit the scene. At least we thought it was funny.

Using your imagination to be someone or be some place else is a great way to step to the left or right of your current world. Doing something by yourself, for yourself that you would never do in front of anyone is just one way to express your inner self. Just make sure no one has you on on video.



Don Musilli started his journey as an entrepreneur and businessman. He surveyed the sky above as a private pilot and explored the sea below as a scuba diver. He looked at the future through the words of Asimov, Clark, Heinlein, Herbert and Ellison; learned a new way to write technical blogs and make them readable… and then created LiteWorld, a blog-novella.

LitePapr is a different perspective. Stay with me on the journey.